Path to Forgiveness
by TheRoseShadow21
Summary: An 'Outside Perspective' accompaniment piece focusing on the OC Janus Abandonato and how he begins to come to terms with his grief after leaving Hope's Peak. Partially drabble. One-shot, rated T to be safe


**It's been a while since the last one, but here is another accompaniment piece to 'Outsider Perspective'. This one is about Janus Abandonato, the SDHSL Stage Actor, and is basically charting parts of his journey from the final chapter of the story to a little bit before the epilogue. There isn't really meant to be any overall closure, because even at the epilogue he was in the process of healing, but I think this shows a little growth on his side. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Do leave feedback.**

 **((I made up the names of his parents. Hopefully that doesn't cause annoyance O.O))**

Janus had expected to go straight back to New York, once all the interviews and hospital check-ups and the funerals had finished. It would have been the logical process, and his Nonno was very logical. But instead, he found himself on a flight to Italy. The country of his birth. Where he hadn't been for over 11 years, for very good reasons. Just the thought of his home brought up memories he had successfully quashed, but then again, everything that had happened recently had done a good job of that anyway. And he supposed that seeing the place he grew up with fresh eyes might be an interesting experience. He just wasn't sure about why Nonno had decided they should go there at this moment in time.

"Are we having another holiday?" he asked while they were on the flight.

"Of sorts. In the olden days, holidays were prescribed by doctors, you know." Nonno chuckled, smiling at him. Although Janus never felt much like smiling, he did so for Nonno.

"Surely that was for things like whooping cough or whatever those diseases were called?"

"That may be the case, my dear boy, but I think you are in need of this. Besides, you haven't been home in a long time."

"Hmmmm…" Janus wasn't sure if he'd consider Italy his home. But he decided to not go into that. It was a murky topic. So he decided to change the subject to one a little more tame.

"Anyway, shouldn't I be catching up with school?" And his theatre troupe. He'd emailed them a little, but he wanted to see what they thought of him in person.

"Oh, don't worry, I've arranged for your school to send work to where we're staying."

Janus rolled his one good eye. Typical Nonno. Nonno just laughed, and ruffled his hair again.

"But Janus, I really do think this will be good for you."

 _But you said that when I got the application for Hope's Peak._ But Janus couldn't say that, and instead decided to continue his search for a good in-flight movie. Preferably one without any kind of romance.

 **…**

They ended up staying in the little house Nonno had bought a long time ago for the purpose of any excursions he had in Italy. It had been a present from Janus's father, as it turned out. So Janus spent most of the first day just wandering around the house, peering at every nook and cranny, not even bothering to unpack. Even though he had never been here as a child, the presence of his parents was strong, and not just because of the photos of them that Nonno had adorned the hallway walls with. Nonno told him stories of how Janus's mother had helped him choose the wallpapers and sofa covers, and how in return he had brought back a bunch of baby things from Japan when he had been told that his close friends were going to become parents. And there were countless other stories, some of which Janus knew, and others he didn't.

Hearing all those stories, of his parents as parents-and as people separate from their role as parents- was a steep learning curve for Janus. All these years, he had rarely talked about his parents. He had photographs of them, which he had made sure to hold onto, and when he had been little and still having nightmares about _that night_ , Nonno had given him stories to make him remember that those horrible events were not the only things about his mother and father. After that, their names had only come up occasionally, and only ever with Nonno. If anyone had asked about his parents, he would have refused to tell them more than the fact they were dead. The only exception had been Suzu, and she hadn't even asked. He had taken the initiative to tell her, because he felt that they were kindred spirits. And now, Suzu was another memory he didn't want to talk about.

"Isaki-Chan must have been a special girl, for you to tell her about Frederick and Lucia." Nonno said on that first day, as they ate dinner at the table that Janus's father had found in Switzerland.

"I would have told Mamma and Pappa about her, in return, if I could." Janus said, twirling spaghetti around his fork. _But I cannot._

"But perhaps you can." Nonno suggested. Janus blinked, and it took him a moment to realise he was referring to his parents' grave, which wasn't too far from them at all.

 _I…I could barely stand at Suzu's funeral. How will I fare visiting Mamma and Pappa's resting place?_

Choosing to ignore the suggestion, Janus chomped on his food with a determination designed to hide his shakiness. Nonno took the hint, and instead told Janus of all the local sights, and all the other things he liked about the area.

After dinner, Janus went upstairs, and unpacked some of the things he'd need for the next few days. His night-clothes, a few other outfits, his glass eye collection, the laptop and cell phone Nonno had bought for him. And the photos, the few he'd managed to save from the school. Those, he put on his bedside table with his glass eyes, so that he'd always see them. He considered checking his emails and other accounts to see if anyone had got in touch, but he wasn't in the mood, so he didn't.

When he went to sleep that night, he didn't have flashbacks to that night, as he'd expected. Instead, he dreamed of an impossible future in which he was taking Suzu to meet his parents. Whether this was in person or just in spirit was something he could not discern, even if it was a dream. But it felt real enough.

 **…**

Over the two months Janus spent in his old home town, he ate out at local restaurants, visited an ice-cream store he had apparently liked as a child, saw the school he had attended for a short time, and attended plays. The last activity was one he did with Nonno by his side, because he knew that if he was alone, he'd constantly be conjuring the ghosts of his mother, who had been the person to originally spark his interest in plays. But even with that, he found himself feeling at home in his old home town. Despite his long absence, the streets and parks and occasional stretches of countryside felt familiar, and he soon found himself able to navigate the place with ease. He even took the work Nonno had arranged for him to receive, and did it in different places. It was a happy time.

Of course, he still thought about Suzu. And about Hope's Peak. There was no way he couldn't. Janus had made friends there, good friends, but they were all linked by the same tragedy. And then there was the British boy, the one who had reportedly saved them from afar. The blogger, Emi Kasuragi, had reached out to him, and Janus'd had a few group chats involving him, but truthfully, he thought that there was no point. They had been saved, but Suzu hadn't been. And so he just could not see the fascination that his former classmates held towards Reuben Goodrich.

 _But perhaps that is how it was meant to be. Fate. I should know, I've acted out the consequences of fate so many times. But it's cruel, too cruel._

Those were thoughts he kept to himself, right up until his second to last day, when he went to visit his parents' gravestones. Nonno had offered to go with him, but Janus refused. It was something he had to do alone. So Nonno went to the shopping centre, and Janus headed in the opposite direction, exchanging fleeting small talk with locals on the way.

When he got there, he felt a heavy sadness settle on him, so thick and oppressing he had to stop several times. He flashbacked many times to the joint funeral ceremony, back in Japan, and briefly wished that Akihito Watari was here to prop him up the way he had done back then. But somehow, he managed to get himself there, and when he did, he knelt down in front of the stone, so he didn't have to stand.

Not knowing what to do, or what to say, he just knelt there, and traced his parent's names. Frederick and Lucia Abandonato, loving parents. What would they think of who he was now?

"I'm angry, that you were taken from me. And I'm angry that I met Suzu, only to have that taken from me, only to meet her all over again and have _her_ taken from me, irreversibly. I…I'm not sure how to act now, when I'm bereft. Isn't that silly? I know how to act as other characters who've suffered, but not as me, even though I'm hurting, too? Was this my fate? Suzu must have been, because I essentially fell for her twice…but we only had a short time together. I never even got a chance to introduce her to Nonno. I never got a chance to bring her here, to meet you, or to take her out to plays, or even to one day become parents who were just like you….and even though I should be grateful for being alive I'm not because of all this….but at least I'm alive, right? Perhaps that counts for something? So, Mamma, Pappa, I'll keep trying. To live, that is. I survived once before, so maybe I can survive again. I'm not sure how, but I can try. For you two, and for Suzu too. You'd have loved her, too. I know it. "

Tired, as if he had been practising particularly difficult lines, he stopped for breath. He was shaking, all over, held captive by his feelings and rage. But, curiously, it didn't feel as paralysing as it had done when he had first escaped. He took a moment, and then spoke again.

"Before I go, Mamma, can I tell you something? And Pappa, can I ask you something? The truth is, I'm not sure I can ever forgive the others who got out with me. Some of them are my friends, and some of them I owe my life to…but they're okay. And Reuben….it feels like it's too little, too late in his case. So I feel like I hate him, but I don't think I should. It's really confusing. I wish you could help me.

But that's not what I wanted to ask. That's something I have to figure out myself, I know. Nonno hinted as much. What I wanted to ask is…if there's a heaven or whatever, and you're there, together, please look for Suzu. And please look after her. If how much I miss her is anything to go by, she's probably just as lonely. So please, take care of her, and each other."

After that, he just babbled about other things that had happened over the past 11 years, and how he had felt about being back in Italy. Harmless things he'd have said to most people, anyway. When he had run out of words to describe his jumbled up self, Janus simply sat at the gravestone, tracing his parent's names and staying deep in thought. Thoughts about fate, and love, and loss. And the grudges he held.

When the sun started to go down, he got up, and after bowing in the Japanese way to the gravestone, he left to return to Nonno's place. And this time, he felt a lot lighter.

 **…**

When he returned to America, he dove right into life with school, the drama club and his local troupe. He was barraged with all sorts of questions, but all he told them was that Italy had been good for him. And indeed, they seemed to agree, because his friends and teachers all seemed to think he looked a lot better than they thought he should have, given the circumstances. So, eventually, the aura of mystery and sorrow that surrounded him disappeared, and he returned to simply being Jay Abandonato the actor. His troupe had started a new play, and while he didn't get a lead role, he was cast in a role he was happy with, and most of his time was taken with that. The only time he'd ever talk more about Hope's Peak was with Nonno, and this was only occasionally. He preferred being alone with his thoughts when it came to that topic. It also turned out that Arisa Ishi the mathematician lived with her sister about an hour and a half away from where he lived with Nonno, and she would come down to see him every so often. They usually went out for dinner or lunch, along with their care-takers, and talked about light topics. Online, he kept in touch with the rest of his fellow survivors, especially Eirik Maeda, Emi and Akihito. There were group chats with Reuben too, but he avoided those, afraid of the vitriol that came to mind every time he saw Reuben's name flash up on screen.

He was also keeping a diary of sorts. Most of it was long, long notes about Suzu, and all the times he'd spent with her, written in a form that was a lot like a script. There were also other various musings, about fate and reincarnation, as well as notable quotes about love and learning to find new love. He hadn't met anyone like Suzu, or even anyone he'd want to pay closer attention to in that aspect, but he was never free from female attention. The diary helped him with that.

He was doodling and making more random notes about it while browsing the internet on his laptop one day when an instant message popped up from Emi.

 _EmiKasuragi-BLOG: Hey, Jay-kun, hope you're okay. It's been a while since we've really talked, hasn't it? About, you know, deep things, like our collective experiences. _

Janus thought, and then typed a much as he didn't mind a chat with her, he was wary of her mentions of 'deep things'.

 _Don't_Abandon: You're referring to Hope's Peak. _

_EmiKasuragi-BLOG: Duh! It's been a long time, huh? Anyway, you're aware some of us are going over to London soon, to meet Reuben, aren't you? I thought that the timing would be right to do a sort of commemorative post, about us. _

_Don't_Abandon: I recall. Do have fun. But by commemorative, you mean…?_

Janus looked down at his notes, and circled some points that he'd made, before flipping back a page to edit something in accordance. What he was going to do with all his random musings, he didn't know. A ping alerted him to a new message, and he looked back at the screen.

 _EmiKasuragi-BLOG:_ _Like, just a brief update of what you've been getting up to, how you've dealt with the trauma, and what your immediate plans are. Sending me recent photos would help, too. You don't need that many details, not all the others have gotten back to me yet. Like, Watari-kun's a little slippy, and Sakamoto-san's just weird as per usual. But everyone else's given me something. Don't worry, I will only include what you want me to say; I don't breach any ethical boundaries. We've all suffered, after all._

 _Don't_Abandon: I_ _don't want to tell the world about what I've done._ Janus typed with no hesitation. Emi's reply was immediate, and emotional.

 _EmiKasuragi-BLOG:_ _SERIOUSLY?Duuude, why? Not even something, a tiny something?_

 _Don't_Abandon:_ _Why would I want that?_

 _EmiKasuragi-BLOG:_ _Awww, Jay-kun! I know I get it bu_

Janus stared at the incomplete sentence before figuring out Emi must have pressed send accidentally. He shrugged, and flicked through his book, noting how he had written all his stories in script form. He seemed to have a knack for it, but that would be natural. Then, he regarded the questions he had circled.

"If two people were fated to meet in their lifetime, but one died before even being born, what would happen? Can you change a fated meeting? Does love transcend lifetimes?" he read to himself, under his breath. Slowly, an idea formed in his mind.

 _EmiKasuragi-BLOG:_ _But surely just a little snippet is okay? Like, you're back in America now, aren't you? And you see Arisa-Chan from time to time because you live near each other, right? And I'd be a stupid dumbwit to not realise you're acting again. I am sure you're back in the domain of theatre._

Janus went from the message to his notes to the message and back again. He'd never be able to talk, really talk, about anything with actual people. But, he could write plays as well as act in them. Perhaps that was a solution, both to moving on from Suzu and to trying to forgive Reuben for not getting there in time. It was certainly worth a try, and it would be a good use of all the notes he'd made. Perhaps in the weaving of a story, real answers could be found. He'd find the path to forgiveness, and to closure. He'd fulfil his promise to his late parents. And make Nonno proud.

Yes, that's what he would do. Jay Abandonato the actor would try and write a play of his own.

 _Don't_Abandon:_ _I remain by my original point. I wish to keep my circumstances private._

Even with his new found resolution, Janus hesitated a moment before typing again.

 _Don't _Abandon:_ _However, since you are correct about the acting, you may mention that. Plus, you can make it known that I will be attempting to write a play of my own._

 _Don't_Abandon:_ _And, if I succeed in that endeavour, all of you will be invited to watch it. Including Reuben Goodrich._


End file.
